Dan Greenburg has a piece in the January 3 New Yorker in which he lays out "Expected Legislation from the President." Here's a sampling:
The Healing a Divided America Act: Shocked and saddened by the divisive nature of the recent Presidential campaign, President Bush will attempt to reach out to and pacify the two warring cultures in our country. Accordingly, a twenty-foot-high concrete security wall, topped by electrified razor wire, will be constructed as a barrier between blue states and red. Democrats and Republicans will have thirty days to relocate to blue states and red states, respectively, or else they will be placed in attractive government relocation camps for their own safety and comfort.
The Deficit Reduction Act: To raise the funds necessary to cut the deficit in half, a few federal institutions will be sold, privatized, and renamed, the way sports stadiums are; e.g., the Rupert Murdoch Treasury Department and Mint; the Smith & Wesson Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms; the Pfizer Food and Drug Administration; the Halliburton Pentagon; the Enron Department of Correctional Facilities; the House of Saud House of Representatives.
This is one of my favorites.:
The Tax Simplification Act: Beginning in 2005, all taxpayers in the top one-per-cent income bracket will pay a flat one-per-cent tax, taxpayers in the top two-per-cent bracket will pay a flat two-per-cent tax, and so on.
The Keeping Our Young People Out of Harm’s Way Act: All young persons age eighteen or over will be placed out of harm’s way in training facilities where they will be issued M-16 rifles and taught how to defend themselves in the event of an attack from a hostile power, or, if the country is not attacked, how to defend themselves when dropped off in countries desperately in need of regime change.
Not much change here:
The Equality in Education Act: In an effort to create equal opportunity for students of all capabilities, educational goals will be readjusted: A and B students will henceforth be characterized as snobbish overachievers. C students will receive scholarships to élite schools, since it is they who have the best chance to grow up to be President. And D students will be encouraged to excel by successfully spinning their failures, creating diversionary issues, and impugning the moral values of their teachers.
And of course:
The Separation of Church and State Act: There will be no separation of church and state.